Me-Yes, I'm trying to lose weight.
Person-That's great! You should (insert over the top, no one does this for real, crazy ass idea)
Me-Thanks. (Even though I didn't ask you) Um...how did that (dumb ass idea) work out for you?
A few possible replies/scenarios happen. Yes these have all happened to me.
- I tried it
- Person-Oh I did it for 1 week and it was good. But I stopped doing it because (insert a bunch of excuses that no one asked you for)
- Me-(Feeling awkward because I reminded you that you did not succeed at your amazing idea) Oh well that's ok, you look great.
- The mysterious "article"
- I saw it on Pinterest or read it in a "magazine"
- Me-(Was it called the Ethiopian Drought Diet?) Oh, well if you happen to find it you should email me the link.
- Sorry, but who did it already?
- Person-My friend/sibling/co-worker/mail man/janitor's cousin's dog groomer did it and they lost like a ton of weight.
- Me-Good for them. (I wonder if this person is hearing imaginary voices)
- Overweight advocate
- Person-It totally works. I'm on day 3. I haven't seen any results, but it's great. You should definitey try it. We can do it together!
- Me-Oh cool. Maybe. I hope you do great! (First off, dude you weigh the same as me. I don't think we should be giving each other advice. Secondly, it does NOT sound great. Please do not try to bring me on to your sinking ship of misery. I will let you go, Jack. I will let you go.)
- Skinny advocate-My personal favorite
- I haven't done it yet, but I'm going to. I want to lose 5 more pounds so I can go back to a size 6. I look so fat in these size 8 jeans. And then continues to go on and on about their own body issues.
- Me-(Deep sigh) I don't know what you are talking about. You look amazing. I wish I looked like you. (At this point I want to shank you. But, I continue to be a good friend and tell you how great you look and that guys check you out all the time. Meanwhile I'm attempting to not compare myself to you and trying to forgive you for being so naive, self-centered, and insensitive. It's not their fault that they don't know what it's like. Poor skinny people.)
I do like hearing ideas though. Sometimes a different perspective is what I need. If you have given me advice already do not automatically think that I am talking about you. Calm down. If you are really my friend I would have told you right then and there that you are being stupid. And you know I would tell you!
What crazy suggestions have you heard?
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