So I've delivered my baby and now I am left with the task of losing all of the "baby weight." It should not be called baby weight for me. I gained 100 lbs. during my pregnancy. That's right, 100 lbs. I went from being 185 lbs to over 284 lbs. Ridiculous. I didn't even realize what was happening. I know I saw my weight every doctor's appointment and I saw the number continuously going up. But it was surreal. Whenever I mentioned my weight gain to friends or family members they just brushed it off, said that I looked the same, and that pregnant women gain weight. It's like they fed into the delusion that everything was okay. That's what I was, delusional.
I am extremely upset with myself. Prior to getting pregnant I had worked really hard to lose weight and get into shape. I had achieved my fitness and health goals then decided to have a baby. I thought I would gain 20 maybe 30 lbs. Little did I know that I would lose my damn mind and eat every food listed on the "use sparingly" list. There are a few reasons I think I gained so much weight.
1. I'm an emotional eater. I was hormonal and felt the need to eat. I just feel good when I eat to the point where I'm full. (Yes, I realize this is unhealthy mentally and physically)
2. I had been strict with myself on eating for so long that when I had the "go ahead" to eat, I binged.
3. I had just gotten back from Iraq where food variety was limited so when I got back I wanted to try all the foods I had missed.
4. My husband is the chef in the family. He would make healthy food, but the amount we ate was/is out of control. When he makes us plates he loads them up with food and portions are way out of whack.
5. I love fruit and hate vegetables. (I've gotten better with this)
It no longer matters that I gained the weight. What matters is what I am going to do to lose it. I have to. My career and thus my family depends on me. However, I needed to address the reasons why I gain weight. This is not my first rodeo dealing with a large amount of weight. I've always struggled. I'm just tired of the anxiety that goes along with my weight gain. The vicious cycle of eating and gaining weight. Then eating because I feel so bad about myself since I've gained weight thus gaining more weight.
I've tried reading other websites/blogs about weight loss. I think my problem with them is that you see the before and after pictures with a general description with how to get there. I read about how great their skinny ass life is and that I can do it too. But when I look at their happy size 6 faces to get inspiration I feel like a failure that I don't already look like them. They make it look so easy. What usually isn't told is the complete meltdown someone has when they gained 1lb during a weigh in. Or the discouragement when they plateau for 2 weeks. Or the struggle to love their body enough to have confidence, but dislike it enough to keep up the motivation to lose weight. Hopefully 1 year from now someone like me will find my blog. I'm hoping to give a different perspective. Below are promises to myself.
I will document my journey losing the weight to keep my job. I will be as honest and candid as I can be because that's just who I am. I will write to keep accountability for myself. I will write to show people what it is really like to lose weight. The good, the bad, the ugly will be written about no matter how bad I look. I am scared, but looking forward to sharing my journey.
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